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SLIPPY TOWN TIMES
©2010 Eddie Flowers
PHOTO BY MARK SULLO
Crawlin' Ed: Howdy, Uncle Jim. Good to have you
here in theoretical Slippy Town for some honest talk. For a goddamn
change, right? I think you've spent some time in Arizona . . . what's
your take on that state's new law that will allow the pigs to demand
proof of citizenship from suspected illegals?
Uncle Jim: That's right, guy! Just another
divide-and-conquer black hole for sheeple goin' ALL-IN, a coat hanger
with foetus flesh
in one hand, and a bible in the other--while the Internationalist
Fucksticks shove another ten trillion pages of Draconian legislation
back door of Congress as bibbly bobbly is dibble-dabbin' with his
dumpling in a closet! This place has been getting sold down the
river since well before you were born . . . I’m 797 years old and saw
it comin' in the early 1800s, FELLA!
Crawlin' Ed: In a related funky situation, does
our wise uncle get to any good tea parties? Chomsky has said some
positive things about these supposed anti-government rabble-rousers. Is
there some real shit going on there, or just a bunch of dumb crackers
who can't believe the president is black (kinda) and his middle name is
Uncle Jim: Whatever real shit gets started ends
up bein' bought off by the highest bidder. Ain't no pop movement ever
gonna matter. There's only one solution and it involves a world tour
with a massive guillotine and the longest line of criminals the globe
has ever seen. We could start with the Fed and Rockefeller, the Queen
and royal family of England, Mr. Red Shield, all central banksters, the
royals of Holland, and work our way across the rest of the European
to the mansions of Tel Aviv, Moscow, Beijing, Tokyo, and Sydney! And to
top it all off, we'll ass-rape them Icke reptilians with the Ryugyong
Tower until their eyes pop out . . . for good measure. This righteous
trail of blood and mucus would leave a tear duct flowing from every
Cherokee disco hooker and I'd be so inclined to lick those tears off
their faces. That Chomsky
is suspect cuz he don't know a controlled demolition when he sees one!
neighbor's 3-month-old cocker spaniel could tell you 9-11 was an inside
job. If the balls aren't hangin' low, you're either a pussy fart
plate or an accomplice: both sworn enemies of the Uncle Jim
Crawlin' Ed: Well, by now we all "know" that Obama
is not a natural-born Amerikan, and he's a secret Muslim, and we're
heading for one-world government--who gives a fuck about the first two
things, and we've all been living under Illuminati UFO control for the
past couple generations at least. But let's dig your POV on Barry
He's obviously just another corporate puppet, huh? Does he care any
about the Palestinians than any other Amerikan figure-head?
Uncle Jim: Even if he did he's still slurping up
AIPAC’s groin stench as if it was a pint of spiked borscht! His old man
was on the wrong side of the Mau-Mau revolution in the 1950s and his
globetrotting sex hooker mom was gang-bangin' mummies from Zanzibar to
Pakistan to Jerusalem to Jakarta as her big-dick Uncle Cheney watched
with cigar-drool contemplation from a red velvet throne he had to
construct himself cuz the Queen never considered him any more than a
chump-change coolie! Even LaRouche could tell you who's gonna
paper-lace the trigger when the time comes and that'll likely put
Farrakhan a bit too close to
a murder scene for the second time in his career. The night Chicago
Crawlin' Ed: How long before the U.S. fractures
like the Soviet Union did?
Uncle Jim: Not the same tallywhacker buzzsaw
maintenance . . . the Ruskies were tryin' to maintain a half dozen
out there and the jig was up after the MujahaDEAN Martians ran them
outta KaBULL with Osama as their left cock. The U.S. is an extended
lane with 50 pins set up over and over getting pummeled by the
Crawlin' Ed: Hey, back to our first
question--maybe Arizona will be the first to secede! I've been hoping
California would do it for decades, but I think we're so fucked that
we'll be begging for a federal bail-out soon.
Uncle Jim: My old stompin' grounds of the Upper
Peninsula have also been talkin separation, but let's face it, no one
escapes from Alcatraz alive! Whether you run "Green Graze Grocery" in
Vermont or the "Humboldt Hummers Dope-Ass Whorehouse" in Northern
there ain't no get-outta-jail-free card!
Crawlin' Ed: Heard any good Afghan hiphop recently?
Uncle Jim: No, but I've been to Saint Louis!
Crawlin' Ed: How about those recently discovered
recordings of Muammar Gaddafi's mid-60s garage band?
Uncle Jim: No shit! Ever heard his slick version of
"Over-Under-Exxon's-Down”? Now there's a guy who knows how to go-go
with the best of 'em! He asked Oum Khoultoum to let Khorshid write a
Steppenwolf-type of tune for her--but of course she thought that stuff
was a little too far out for her adoring public at the time.
Crawlin' Ed: The so-called right-wing media loves
to attack the so-called liberal media in the U.S. Who's really
controlling this shit, Jim? Anybody?
Uncle Jim: It's all now middle managed by society's
imbeciles because the masters have engineered it so well for the past
200 years so that they don't need to control it--it controls
itself--run by idiots for idiots as far as the eye can see.
Crawlin' Ed: And if there is a conspiracy of
silence, is it still a conspiracy?
Uncle Jim: It's ALL a conspiracy!
Crawlin' Ed: Hey man, how about some free
association? From your email gut, please, Jim! First up . . . Elie
Uncle Jim: Lying sack of shit! I've got his tattoo
and he never had one! Finkelfuck said it best about those crocodile
tears and alligator Netanyahu rectal adverbs and all the rest of it. .
Crawlin' Ed: Fox News?
Uncle Jim: An easy target, especially Glen
Beckenstein! But what the idiot liberals don't realize is that NPR is
Crawlin' Ed: Lady Gaga?
Uncle Jim: I told her backstage at the Grammys that
I wouldn't fuck her if she was the last woman alive--got a big laugh
outta Kanye West. These entertainment whores are getting uglier by the
Crawlin' Ed: Rahm Emanuel?
Uncle Jim: I'd tie him up to a hibachi, pour a
half-gallon of Sophia Loren pussy bourbon down his throat, grill him
over some Kingsford coals, and feed him to a pack of wild dogs on the
streets of Ramallah.
Crawlin' Ed: Nancy Pelosi?
Uncle Jim: Frilled Lizard BITCH!
Crawlin' Ed: Democracy?
Uncle Jim: Never heard of it.
Crawlin' Ed: Socialism?
Uncle Jim: Schmocialism!
Crawlin' Ed: Capitalism?
Uncle Jim: Oh, you mean capital punishmentalism?
I'll kill all those crooks in the capital . . . in fact, let's take
those senators, lawyers, banksters, insurance salesmen, and
congressmen, put 'em in an arena, and release some BULLS on 'em, FELLAS!
Crawlin' Ed: Ron Paul?
Uncle Jim: The family doctor. He just stuck his
finger up my ass to check for polyps last week.
Crawlin' Ed: Age of consent?
Uncle Jim: I think they kill all ages in Gaza, last
time I checked.
Crawlin' Ed: Police?
Uncle Jim: Some people are above the law.
Crawlin' Ed: Jimi Hendrix?
Uncle Jim: If that hippie chick Dolly woulda been
polishin' Jimi's dagger in London like she shoulda been doin', instead
of watchin' Brian Jones head-nod his way into Burt Lancaster's swimming
pool, we never would have lost him!
Crawlin' Ed: Elvis Presley?
Uncle Jim: We hang out, play poker twice a year, eat
steak tartare in a runaway boxcar. Did you see his cameo in Home
Alone? He still has that beard!
Crawlin' Ed: Michelle Obama?
Uncle Jim: Her husband evidently got all the family
dental work done for himself on their Blue Cross plan, the selfish
bastard! But seriously, guy, I used to know her great-grandmother in my
old Texas couch-fucking days and she ain't no chip off the old block,
that's all I gotta say!
Crawlin' Ed: Michelle Phillips?
Uncle Jim: Isn't that the skinny one?
Crawlin' Ed: South Park?
Uncle Jim: Extremely tamed-down ripoffs of my
screenplays that show in the outer stratosphere ONLY.
Crawlin' Ed: Total Information Awareness?
Uncle Jim: I haven't seen or heard any "total
information" for decades . . . and next time you see anyone aware of
anything, kidnap it and Fedex it to me. Here’s my account number:
the package SAME DAY SERVICE!
Crawlin' Ed: Marijuana?
Uncle Jim: Coming to a 7-11 near you.
Crawlin' Ed: And on that pleasant note, we'll wrap
things up. Thank you, Uncle Jim! Any last comments for the folks?
Uncle Jim: It's somewhat difficult for an ancient
Siberian tiger like myself to phrase a statement for a room full of
mollusks that can barely comprehend the crustacean language, so I think
I'll pass. Thanks anyway, GUY!
SLIPPY TOWN TIMES
June 14, 2010
Week in Slippy Town
Uncle Jim Q&A
w/ Crawlin' Ed
An Unexpected Bend in the Tide
Paul Revere & the Raiders (part
Public Service Announcement 1968
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SLIPPY TOWN TIMES online #1
SLIPPY TOWN TIMES online #2
TOWN TIMES online #3